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So how do you have sex?

I know most lesbians can relate to those uncomfortable moments when straight people ask questions like “So how do you have sex?”

The 3 areas of awkward and truly annoying questions and comments:

1. The labelling: So what kind of lesbian are you?




Chapstick lesbian


2. The questioning: As in…

Are you the girl or boy in the relationship?

Are you a lesbian by choice?

Did you have to cut your hair when you came out?

You’re so pretty! You wear dresses, are you sure you’re a lesbian?

3. The justification (s): Just because I’m a lesbian doesn’t mean that …”

I am attracted to you

I enjoy watching sports

I wear plaid, hoodies, Doc Martens

I play the guitar

I recently got asked one of those awkward questions – ‘But you have children, so how can you be a lesbian?

It’s been a while since I’ve been asked this question and also the variations of the questions above. In the past, these questions and/or comments would really upset me as I felt that I was being judged and condememed.

But even more than that, I felt bad for making them feel so uncomfortable being around ‘lesbian me’.

Literally I would downplay being gay because I didn’t want people to feel uncomfortable around me. I would try to answer in ways that I thought would make them feel more comfortable.

Nowadays I am more resilient. I quit living my life to please other people’s expectations of what my life should be. I am happy with who I am.

Truth is, I don’t owe anyone an explanation, so I have 2 standard polite replies that apply to all questions and comments:

  1. Go and ask Google or Alexa

  2. Interesting question/comment but it’s actually none of your business

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